Learning to breathe…

Lately I’ve been super depressed. I’m guessing it has to do with taking myself off my meds cold turkey. And I think I figured out why I do that, because I think I deserve to be miserable. It seems like everytime I do take myself off them I get so depressed to the point that I’m constantly consumed by suicidal thoughts. And last night I was really afraid of myself…I never thought I would act on those thoughts, but because they were so frequent I was afraid I would do something. I ended up reaching out to a friend, who went to my mother. At first i was angry with her. But then I thanked her for telling, because there was no way I would’ve been able to tell her. It was good not to be alone with my own thoughts. My sister slept with me and we watched a movie. I love her to death and she’s probably confused and angry with me. But that is okay. Maybe I’ll be able to explain to her someday… So today I woke up with a goal. (I need to have goals more often). I am going to work on cleaning my room. It is such a wreck! I think if I cleaned some, it would help keep my mind busy and probably ease off some of these bad feelings.

I don’t have a job right now, still looking and waiting. It’s frustrating. I have too much time on my hands and all I do lately is read and smoke. Anyways, that’s whats up.

This is my first post for the new year! I have too many blogs and I seem to always forget about this one particularly. Two weeks ago I got my 4th tattoo – It is Brave on my foot I love it! It’s a reminder that I am brave for having been through what I’ve been through and that I can get through this. Next one, determination?? nah I’m going to get a dandelion next not sure where or what all is going to go with it, but that is the plan for now But it will have to wait.
I’ve been s.l.o.w.l.y. cleaning my room and I found some of my old poetry. That’s always fun to go through!
About my recent traumatic event incident, I think they dropped the case =/ It sucks…because it makes me feel like I’m not important enough. But I’m trying to just move on. I would really like to have closure from it, but I highly doubt that will ever happen.
My job is picking up some, I’m getting alot more hours then when I started. Which is GRRREAT!!

- Right now I’m watching movies with my little sister We just finished “Bride Wars” now we’re going to watch “Mean Girls”! I love her so much, she is so much fun to be around.

I have a new goal. My goal is to beat 5 months of non-cutting, then my dad will help contribute money for me to buy a Wii!!! Right now I’m on day 2.
Well thats about it for now.

- L8r.

Ok, so alot has happened since I last posted on here. I’ll start with 2 months ago. Well I joined a program the end of October called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) basically it’s a day program from 9:30 – 2:30pm. I went everyday – Mon-Fri. I also met with a psychiatrist twice a week and a therapist. We had group therapy twice and plenty of smoke breaks . I was discharged last Friday. So now I am seeing my regular therapist and my regular psychiatrist.

Last Thursday, On December 16th at around 6:30pm I was raped by a guy that I knew. It put me in a deep depression for the first few days and FINALLY is starting to get alil easier. I told some good friends and some of them are having a hard time believing me, which is hard for me. Which makes me question… why would I lie about rape? Anyways, I’m not lying. I am afraid because he knows my car..and the area I live in. I gave a statement to my detective and now the police are in the process of finding him and getting him to talk. Once they do that then will they call me. I hope they find him. In my statement I also listed the time when I was molested at the age of 6 and how nothing was done about it. And 2 yrs ago of me being intoxicated and raped and nothing was done as well. I really hope someone listens this time around.

I have learned so much from this horrible experience and I take responsibility for my actions and me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hope that from this I will become even more stronger and make my voice louder. I cannot continue to live like this. I am NOT a victim.

Dear Eating Disorder,
I have been your friend since I was 14yrs old, I have been your BEST FRIEND for 8 yrs. You have hurt me in so many ways, worse than my ex boyfriend. And thats pretty bad. You stole away my identity, sometimes its still hard to seperate me from you. We have a codependent relationship and its hard to break free from you. I want to though, I don’t want you to be my best friend. Best friends don’t hurt people like you do. I have lost so much because of you. You have taken away my real best friends from me, you’re a selfish bitch. I have cried several days and nights because of what you took away. You steal everything bit by bit and soon i’m left with nothing but you and then i start to believe you’re all I have. But i know somewhere deep inside that you are a fucking liar!! The doctors say i’m healthier…I don’t believe that…my thoughts aren’t healthier, I mean good thing I didn’t get any serious illness because of you..i’m so greatful for that. I’m greatful that I am in better shape than most. Being thin isn’t all there is to life, but you took away my life…my teenage years…so how would i know what life really is. I just know its not that. it’s not about being perfect…or trying to get there cause thats just a waste of energy. I’ll never get there! There is only one person who is perfect and it is not you!! You are far from perfect, so why the hell do I try to get what you have? I’m angry at you for making me believe that the only thing to happiness is being thinner and thinner. I’m mad that I still have a hard time getting rid of you…you’re like satan! for real. I’m going to eat what I want to eat and you’re not going to tell me anything about that!! I hate you!! just like they say, its a love/hate relationship. its true…but i dont know why i still love you…you give me that sense of control still…but i know thats twisted…why do i still believe in you? i hate yoU! i’m so angry at you…i can’t even express the anger i feel. you lied to me. you told me i’ll get to perfection…when the truth is, i won’t ever get there unless i die trying. I’m trying to be okay with my size and the way i look…i know your not and it kills me…it does. but thats why im so mad!!! i want my friends back…i want my life back…i want to enjoy life…and actually live it! You are not all there is…I could have so much more without you. I want to push you aside. I want to be in control of what i do, and how i think. there is sooo much more to say to you but i just don’t have the energy so i’m leaving it at that.

Its been awhile since I last posted on here. Things are going okay, I’m in the IOP (Intensive Outpatient) groups now. I got four times a week for 2 and 1/2 hours. They have been really helpful. I have been struggling with finding friends lately. I feel extremely friendless right now but I’m trying to trust God with this whole situation. I think that He wants me to work on myself right now, get things straightened out and then hopefully friends will fall into place. This recovery journey is harrrrrrd! But i’m truckin through…slowly I have a new accountability partner and she is amazing! I love her so much!! We are doing this biblestudy together that I love and am learning so much! Also lately I have been working on eating breakfast every morning. Its been a struggle but I am fighting the ED voices through it and succeeding!! I started running with my dad and that has been going alright. I think we’re supposed to be running today, I have a rule where if I don’t eat, I can’t run. So far I’ve been running and eating! Another success!! I love life, even though there are tons of speed bumbs and walls and really this whole life is like a maze. Anyways, thats about it.

This has been a longgggg weeek, but it’s for the better. Sunday night I was feeling extremely depressed and was having a ton of unbearable suicidal thoughts. I ended up going to West Oaks Hospital for an evaluation and that place was crazy and scary to me. I was told to stay overnight but i refused and sometimes I wish I did stay. But since then I have decided to change. I need to get myself together. So since then, I have made some changes by, deleting negative sites, people, and pictures. I have put triggering movies and books away, and found a new accountability partner. I also am looking at joining an Intensive Outpatient Program that deals with DBT therapy. Basically that is learning to cope with everything i do. Right now I’m waiting to hear back from the lady in charger. Hopefully they take my insurance. Anyways, that is what has been up to me lately.

I feel as if my life is going backwards and forwards and in circles all at once. I basically quit therapy for now..I know what i really need…is HIM back in my life. I think about it alot…more than i actually do…so maybe i am all just talk. The sad truth it is..

I know I need to get my life together…but I just want to have fun. And this is fun…for the most part…so yeah, thats where i’m at right now…

oh! its been 1 month and 3 days since the last time I Self Harmed!!!! =)