Lately I’ve been super depressed. I’m guessing it has to do with taking myself off my meds cold turkey. And I think I figured out why I do that, because I think I deserve to be miserable. It seems like everytime I do take myself off them I get so depressed to the point that I’m constantly consumed by suicidal thoughts. And last night I was really afraid of myself…I never thought I would act on those thoughts, but because they were so frequent I was afraid I would do something. I ended up reaching out to a friend, who went to my mother. At first i was angry with her. But then I thanked her for telling, because there was no way I would’ve been able to tell her. It was good not to be alone with my own thoughts. My sister slept with me and we watched a movie. I love her to death and she’s probably confused and angry with me. But that is okay. Maybe I’ll be able to explain to her someday… So today I woke up with a goal. (I need to have goals more often). I am going to work on cleaning my room. It is such a wreck! I think if I cleaned some, it would help keep my mind busy and probably ease off some of these bad feelings.
I don’t have a job right now, still looking and waiting. It’s frustrating. I have too much time on my hands and all I do lately is read and smoke. Anyways, that’s whats up.
